Its Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthday! "Batman and Robin" Review.

“Batman & Robin” aka “The movie that brought nipples to the Batsuit” is commonly named as the worst movie of all time when the subject comes up (Of course the people who say that obviously haven’t seen Troll 2). Those claims are not without basis though; this film is actually pretty dire but it’s also interesting in a ridiculous kind of way.

George Clooney takes over as batman with about as much suitability for the role as Jackie Chan would have if he played Bill Clinton. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Mr. Freeze and he only talks in puns “Let’s kick some ice!” “Allow me to break the ice” etc which makes me want to do this entire review in Mr. Freeze puns as well.

I’m not going to describe the plot to you because to be honest nothing about it is worth telling, other than the fact that at some point during the film we get to see nipples on Batman’s suit. Perhaps the nipples were already there in the other movies but we never got to see them because it wasn’t cold enough, but have Mr. Freeze show up thought and -Tada! - Nipples.

Icy what director Joel Schumacher was trying to do with the movie though; he wanted it to be a bit more faithful to the old TV series that was as ridiculous as this movie was. And you really can’t blame the guy because you can tell he really is trying to make a good movie instead of make money, the movie he is trying to make is crap but at least his intentions are good. I mean some people call him an ice hole because he ruined a franchise. I actually am somewhat grateful that this movie exists because without it the Nolan Batman’s wouldn’t have been necessary.

If you are one of the people that think that he had snow business directing movies you should give him some slack because he even apologized. I suppose though that everyone was looking for someone to blame for the bad quality of the film and once one person had the guts to point his finger at Joel, then the rest snowballed down.

If you think I am defending the film then chill out! I am not suggesting that it isn’t as bad as people make it out to be. Of course I think the movie is rubbish but when there are movies out there like “Troll 2” or “Manos: The Hands of Fate” you have to appreciate that it is more of a bad drawing your son made rather than a complete mess.

2/10

How many Mr. Freeze puns can you count in the review? Post a comment below giving me the answer. Don’t just give a number, quote the pun directly because next week I’m gonna highlight them and if you get them all you will win a chance to guest post on my blog.

P.S Today is my 21^st birthday and I had my first legal beer in the US. It turns out I’m a Blue Moon guy. What beer do you guys like?

Harrison Ford is Retiring!!! "Blade Runner" Review.

Back in my review of “District 9” I made up the term “Social Fiction” a combination of social commentary and science fiction. “Blade Runner” is a perfect example of that genre; it questions the nature of humanity, it challenges what preconceptions about the future we may have, and it gives us something to think about when it comes to science fiction.

Sure this film has a fair amount of flying cars, robots, and futuristic looking skyscrapers, but they are all presented in a very pessimistic and dark way, making L.A. look very much like a noir film with Harrison Ford being the detective with the trench coat and the hat, except without the hat. It also reminds me a lot of the film “Taxi Driver” because of the showcasing of the city in such a grim way making it a character within its own right.

Harrison Ford plays Rick Deckard, and his job is to find replicants (robots) that humans have no more use for and retire (kill) them. The word retirement is cleverly chosen to avoid giving the replicants human traits since killing someone assumes that they were alive to begin with and that is a characteristic that should be reserved for humans and animals. Deckard is assigned to find and retire 4 replicants Roy, Leon, Zhora, and Pris. The job isn’t easy and certainly requires more than just shooting the replicants in the face.

I couldn't tell you that much more because I frankly didn't understand much of it. The script, although very intriguing and thought provoking, forgets to entertain on the most basic level. Ridley Scott is certainly the right director for this kind of subject and does a terrific job but it just isn't enough. Ford also does a great job as always somehow managing to balance 3 iconic characters without them blending into each other; Deckard doesn't have any Han Solo or Indiana Jones in him.

This film is a great example of an idea gone too far. The movie is too much subtext and not enough text, there are too many ideas and concepts of humanity and where we are headed, for us to handle, and we get lost in this amazingly designed, beautifully filmed, astonishingly imagined, but undeniably boring piece of cinema. I’m not going to say that this is a polished turd because I don’t believe that the film is actually bad while appearing good, no this film is actually magnificent, I just didn't enjoy watching it. I recommend watching this film at your own risk because some of the ideas in it are very hard to swallow but in the end you won’t regret watching it.

5/10

Tell me what you thought about the film in the comments below. I really really really want to hear your opinion.

A Transformer ate my Octopus. "Transformers" review.

My last review on the blog was primarily aimed towards delusional teenage girls who thought that “Twilight” was a good movie. Now it’s time for the boys. “Transformers” is the ultimate dumbed down version of and action flick, showing so much stupidity and lacking any sense of excitement. Sure the special effects are terrific and mesmerizing but they are devoid of any reasonable justification, imagination, or logic.

Here is the deal; good giant robots fight against bad giant robots, somewhere in the fight is an annoying kid played by Shia Labeauf, and a porn sta… I mean prostitu… I mean crack wh…  I mean an attractive female sidekick played by Megan Fox. Some explosions happen, robots hit each other, and then Octopus Prime Rib recites some Shakespeare.

Of course the plot usually doesn’t matter in pictures like this does it? We just want to see big chunks of metal crash into each other and explode right? Well sure, and I have no problem with that, but when you have been leading up to the grand finale for 2 hours and it finally comes and looks like it was cut together by a seizing elephant and directed by Smeagol from The Lord of the Rings, it is a major cop out. The whole movie looks like a gigantic episode of “Mythbusters” without any of the realism, the science, or the humor, just explosions.

Why am I being so harsh on this movie? Well the reason being is that I tried really hard to enjoy this film, I really did. I watched with devotion and high expectations, I even watched on a high definition screen with home cinema, and I still couldn’t get past it. At one point during the film I think I even started playing cards with my cousin because I was just so bored and tuned out. There might as well have been static on the tely after a while because I just didn’t care what happened, my eyes where looking at the screen while my mind was on “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

If you are able to enjoy it then good for you because it will certainly cure an action sci-fi craving, but don’t expect it to please anything but your eyes and maybe your genitals if you are in to Megan Fox. I didn’t enjoy it though and unfortunately they say it is the best in the series so there is not much hope for me and the sequels.

5/10

Tell me in the comments if you liked the film and its sequels. And then here is a question for you: What film that you enjoy a lot would you admit is fairly mindless and unintelligent? I really like “Independence Day”. Post a comment; I fixed it so that anyone can comment with or without an account.

Vampires on the Titanic!!! "Twilight". Review

Twilight is the sort of movie that you can have fun with by watching it with the mindset you have when you watch a comedy. As I begin to dissect this movie keep in mind that if you are a female between the ages of 13 and 19 you are probably going to hate me for what I say about it but teenage girls, just like teenage boys with the transformers movies, need a reality check.

Kristen Stewart plays Bella; a girl than is so unlikable and yet everyone in the film seems to ignore that. She moves in with her dad, a walking talking stereotype of a cop complete with a thick mustache and an appropriate “Don’t touch my daughter” attitude. At her new school she meets Edward, who saves her one day from getting crushed by a car and so naturally Bella falls in love with him just like any normal person would do right? Well as it turns out Edward is a vampire and he just happens to look like Robert Pattinson. After a cool demonstration on how instead of dying he sparkles like Elton John when he is under sunlight, the cute couple starts dating. Oh and by the way did I mention that Edward can read everyone’s mind except for Bella? Yeah I guess not being able to read a woman’s mind is his fetish. Anyway the film then plays like the film “Titanic” only instead of having great characters, music, effects, costumes, and sets; we have Edward showing off by playing the piano for Bella and climbing trees.

The acting is pretty dire, the sets look super fake, the cinematography is bleak and disappointing, the dialogue is beyond atrocious, and every character seems to have the intelligence of a dead cat. All that being said however, I was pleasantly surprised by how much the film didn’t suck, given all the bad reputation it has. It isn’t by any means a good movie but it is hardly the worst film ever made (No that honor belongs to the one and only “Troll 2”, my review of which you can find here).

In the end, this film is more about making money than it is about being a proper film. I haven’t read the books myself but the serious lack of any visual justification of existence on the big screen for this movie makes me think that the books are much better.

5/10

Im curious as to if I am correct about the books. Tell me are they better, worse, or equally bad? Click here to cast your vote.

Tribute to Michael Clarke Dunkan

OK. So the big man is dead and I have a duty as a film critic to pay tribute to him. I’m not going to lie; I wasn’t a huge fan of his movies but credit should be given where it is due, the man could act. He might not have been in many great movies but no matter how ridiculous his role was or how absurd the movies premise was he always had the conviction required and always gave his character likeability.

As I said he hasn’t been in that many good movies in his career but some of them stand out, and I am going to talk about some of them.

“The Island” is a very entertaining film directed by Michael Bay, and has a very interesting premise: Pay enough money and you can have a clone of yourself made. It’s sort of an insurance policy because if, god forbid, you need a new kidney, a new liver, or a bone marrow transplant, you have a donor waiting for you to get sick just so they can give up their organs. It’s an exciting plot and is carried nicely by good acting but Michael Bay being the Antichrist to Steven Spielberg’s Messiah, goes and dumbs it down for the audience. Anyway Michael Clarke Duncan has a small but brilliant role in this film, and he can make you really scared about the stuff that happens in the film.

Duncan had another small but interesting role in “Sin City”, the black & white noir film based on Frank Miller’s comic book series of the same name. His role is pivotal in putting everything together and making the film whole. He is pretty menacing with his deep voice, his tall height, and his red eye (occasionally there are some colored objects in the otherwise black & white movie), and just the way he presents himself is very different from what he usually played.

And then of course we have the movie that defined his career. “The Green Mile” is known to make grown men cry, and not because that one guy steps on a cute mouse. Duncan is so tragic in the role, and it comes as a shock to those watching it for the first time because you wouldn’t expect someone that looks 7 feet tall and sounds like a gorilla, to be so sensitive and gentile. He is undoubtedly the centerpiece of the film and it is definitely worth watching for him alone.

Now I don’t want to rate these films because I am not really giving them full reviews, I’m just paying tribute to the big man and his legacy. R.I.P

What is your favorite M.C.D movie? Click here to cast your vote.

Worst movie ever made "Troll 2" Review

THE FUCK!!! This is by far the worst movie I have ever seen. Words can’t describe how terrible this movie is but I am going to try my best. The movie is a mess. Every scene has such abysmal content it is an embarrassment to cinema.

Little Joshua is a kid that can see the ghost of his dead grandfather. Grandpa warns him that if his family goes on their planned vacation to the town of Nilbog they will get eaten by Goblins (In case you didn’t notice Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards). Joshua warns them but they go anyway. You have probably guessed that Grandpa was right about the goblins being there but what you haven’t guessed is that the goblins are vegetarian; yes you read it correctly, VEGETARIAN GOBLINS. By the way in case you are wondering this movie has nothing to do with trolls and it doesn’t have any connection to the movie “Troll”. The goblins turn humans into plants so they can eat them, but don’t worry, Joshua has a way to stop his family from eating the food that turns them to plants; with the help from grandpa who can freeze time just once for the entire film, he has time to pee on the food.

I am not going to give away the whole plot though. Not that it would spoil anything if I do; it’s just that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you what happens throughout the film. Saying that this film is terrible would be a gigantic understatement. I’m not even sure anyone can write a review that clearly represents this film because I had heard really bad things about this film and yet it somehow managed to be 100 times worse than what I was expecting. It is one of those movies you just have to see for yourself. One scene involves little Joshua having to eat a bologna sandwich to protect himself from getting eaten by the vegetarian goblins.

See what I mean? I just can’t stop ranting about this film because it is just that terrible. However this movie has one redeeming quality; it is funnier than most comedies these days. So if you are in a group with a bunch of your buddies and want to have a good laugh then you could do a lot worse.

1/10

What is the worst movie you have ever seen? Click here to cast your vote.

Batman vs Batman vs Batman. "The Dark Knight Rises" Review.

I have come up with a list that I call my “full confidence” list. It is made up of film directors that have 100% of my trust for whatever they are doing even if it sounds like a bad idea. I always have high expectations for them and I look forward to their next film. There are only a handful of directors on that list because in order to be on it they have to be at a certain point in their career where nothing less than a masterpiece is expected by them and they usually deliver. It’s not that they can do no wrong, because most of the directors on the list have a few stinkers, but the possibility of them turning out anything less than excellent is practically nonexistent. Although it plays a big part, the director’s track record isn’t the deciding factor on being added to the list, the short answer is that when they are ready to be on the list I will just know(It usually happens after a certain movie in their career).

The latest director to be added to the list is the auteur behind the batman series Christopher Nolan. He made the list back in 2010 when he directed the masterpiece called “Inception”. It was my favorite movie of the year back then and made me realize that Nolan wasn’t just a great director for the batman series but the real deal.

So naturally after adding Nolan to the list I was waiting forever to watch “The Dark Knight Rises” ever since it was announced, and boy was it worth the wait“The Dark Knight Rises” is a spectacularly made film with everything I could ask for in a movie. To explain the plot would be futile, as it is very deep and complex much like Inception, so I’m not going to even try, but I will say that unlike “The Avengers” which is just plain old fashioned fun, “Rises” is the most ambitious superhero film ever made. Trying to choose my favorite out of the 3 Nolan Batmans is like trying to order one thing at the cheesecake factory; it’s very hard to do but I have to do it.

“Batman Begins” is an excellent start for the series as it builds batman as a dark symbol rather than a guy in a rubber suit. It makes batman into a realistic character that could exist in reality and gives him villains that are grounded with clear motivations and fully fledged actions. He doesn’t fight crazy mutants or deranged lunatics, but mobsters, corrupt police officers, and extremist terrorists. Plus let’s not forget that it takes about an hour to see the suited Batman for the first time, in a scene involving him tossing thugs around like ragdolls.

“The Dark Knight” went a step further; more mobsters, more Batman, and more thug tossing. The Joker is a villain that is motivated only by chaos and corruption and Heath Ledger who plays him brings us a Joker that had never even been imagined before. Jack Nicholson was funny in “Batman” but he wasn’t playing the Joker, he was playing Jack Nicholson.

“The Dark Knight Rises” is on par with its predecessor making it hard for me to choose between them. In the end I would say that “The Dark Knight” is the better made film overall and I have more respect for it but that isn’t the reason I am choosing it over “Rises”; the one thing that is noticeably missing from “Rises” is the Joker. If Heath Ledger was still alive I could see no excuse to why he wasn’t in the film because the Joker would have played a big role in it, and that is why I am choosing “The Dark Knight”. Heath Ledger won an academy award for playing the Joker and for what its worth I think Anne Hathaway should win one for this movie to. Yes she was that good.

But enough of “Sophie’s Choice”. Regardless of its flaws, it is the best movie of the year so far. Go and see it!!!

10/10

Im sure some of you are wondering what my full confidence list consists of. I present to you the full list: in alphabetical order.

Christopher Nolan

James Cameron

Martin Scorsese

Peter Jackson

Quentin Tarantino

Steven Spielberg

Do you have any director that would make your list? Click here to cast your vote.

PS: I want to express my disgust over the Aurora shooting in Colorado. The culprit has done such a horrible thing on many levels; killing people, injuring others, damaging the reputation of the movie, and making moviegoers afraid of going to the movies.