Star Wars without the stars or the wars. "The Clone Wars" Review.

Where to begin? Back in 1977 “Star Wars” came out, and it happens to be 3^rd on my all time favorite movies list. How did we get from a perfect movie that succeeds in every way, to a movie that fails in every way?

Normally I would tell you the plot here but I’m not going to bother, because there really isn’t one; only something about Jabba the Hutt’s son who looks like giant snot. This is the film that shouldn’t have been. What I mean is that there are plenty of films that people wish didn’t exist but this one was actually not even intended to be a movie, it was a TV show pilot. It’s bad enough that the TV show it was starting was terrible, but take a terrible pilot, stretch it out to feature length, and stick it on the big screen, is just plain insulting to us who have watched and loved the “Star Wars” saga.

Do I like the prequels? Yes and No. I don’t like “The Phantom Menace” and “Attack of the Clones” but I sort of like “Revenge of the Sith”. Now are “Phantom” and “Attack” horrible? No they are just under my threshold for a good movie. What saved them was, some thrilling action packed scenes (however useless they might have been), some great creature and robot design from Lucas Arts, and ofcourse John Williams brilliant score, none of which were in “The Clone Wars”.

The animation is so clumpy it looks like claymation except without the haunting realism that it possesses. The voice acting is pointlessly driven to imitate the actors from the live action movies which makes it even worse when all of them fail.

The prequels were disappointing in their own right, but “The Clone Wars” makes “The Phantom Menace” look like “The Empire Strikes Back”. Why does this movie exist though? I mean beyond the obvious answer “Money” why would anyone make a film like this? Is there no other answer than financial gain? If that is the case though Im surprised George Lucas had enough soul left to sell to make this movie after making the prequels. Thank God though that Disney bought it back for 4 billion dollars, because that is apparently what a soul goes for these days.

Anyway I digress. This movie is beyond redemption. There is not much to say about it either; the plot is bad the voice acting is bad, the music is bad, the animation is bad… you get the idea.

1/10

Alright the reason I reviewed “The Clone Wars” is because soon I am going to be part of a contest. A “Star Wars” related contest. Don’t miss it. Its coming very soon! I will keep you posted.

Worst movie ever made "Troll 2" Review

THE FUCK!!! This is by far the worst movie I have ever seen. Words can’t describe how terrible this movie is but I am going to try my best. The movie is a mess. Every scene has such abysmal content it is an embarrassment to cinema.

Little Joshua is a kid that can see the ghost of his dead grandfather. Grandpa warns him that if his family goes on their planned vacation to the town of Nilbog they will get eaten by Goblins (In case you didn’t notice Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards). Joshua warns them but they go anyway. You have probably guessed that Grandpa was right about the goblins being there but what you haven’t guessed is that the goblins are vegetarian; yes you read it correctly, VEGETARIAN GOBLINS. By the way in case you are wondering this movie has nothing to do with trolls and it doesn’t have any connection to the movie “Troll”. The goblins turn humans into plants so they can eat them, but don’t worry, Joshua has a way to stop his family from eating the food that turns them to plants; with the help from grandpa who can freeze time just once for the entire film, he has time to pee on the food.

I am not going to give away the whole plot though. Not that it would spoil anything if I do; it’s just that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you what happens throughout the film. Saying that this film is terrible would be a gigantic understatement. I’m not even sure anyone can write a review that clearly represents this film because I had heard really bad things about this film and yet it somehow managed to be 100 times worse than what I was expecting. It is one of those movies you just have to see for yourself. One scene involves little Joshua having to eat a bologna sandwich to protect himself from getting eaten by the vegetarian goblins.

See what I mean? I just can’t stop ranting about this film because it is just that terrible. However this movie has one redeeming quality; it is funnier than most comedies these days. So if you are in a group with a bunch of your buddies and want to have a good laugh then you could do a lot worse.

1/10

What is the worst movie you have ever seen? Click here to cast your vote.